All This Talk About Arranged Marriages Made Me Want to Propose!

I thought of writing this when I read couple of posts (this and this) about arranged marriages and readers thoughts on the subject. I did not want to answer on respective posts on people’s blogs, as my answers would have consisted of issues that were not raised hence my response would have been lengthy.  Also, add to the fact I did not want to counter people’s personal thoughts on their personal space.

I would like to address the concept of ‘arranged marriage’ itself. Is it still prevalent in today’s SL society?

For me there are two sets of marriages in SL; ‘love’ and ‘proposed’.

Are we confusing ‘arranged’ with ‘proposed’ marriages?  – I know it is a classic term used in SL but that is the term we use.   

We all know what love marriage is. What about proposed marriage

Is ‘proposed marriage’ the same as an ‘arranged marriage’? In an arranged marriage, the bride (or groom) has no say in the matter. In my view, the scales are heavy on the bride not having any say.

  

Proposed marriages however are entirely different. The two people involved do have a say in the matter. It is comparable to a blind date in the western society. You may not love each other as such but will like each other enough to say ‘yes’ to the ‘proposal’. One disadvantage would be the limited timeframe in getting to know each other before taking the plunge.

  

Personally speaking, I almost married my father’s, friend’s nephew. I thought he was ok, when we were introduced. I did not mind him so we met regularly –the getting to know process – I assumed he liked me too.

One day I heard from a mutual friend, the doc was in love with his uncle’s daughter and the uncle did not want him to marry his daughter. Doc had told the mutual friend “my uncle is pressuring me to marry Mia” That was enough for me to put an end to the fiasco.

Had that eventuated in marriage it would have been an ‘arranged marriage’ for him and a ‘proposed marriage’ for me as no one pressured me to marry him. This btw, is when I was younger (I am a mother of an eighteen year old now) and the society has changed to some extent.

  

Some people touched on the subject of why arranged marriages work or seem to work. It could be due to the simple fact, how our minds are habitually conditioned  (towards marriage) in a society like ours. Perception of, ‘A marriage is for life’ when you take the plunge does have some bearing in how we behave. If I am to put it simply  , having the thought of ‘no recourse’ when marrying, makes us just settle and accept. 

Sometimes it may seem to work because someone has given in, and majority of the time it will be the female. To quote a dear friend of mine about her marriage “we are together because I am used to him”. What she meant was, it is a mechanical process for her.To the outside world, they are the epitome of what a marriage is all about – A loving caring wife and a caring husband who provides well for his family and go to Mass together, every Sunday.

  

Degree of importance given to the compatibility of the horoscopes is higher in a proposed marriage than the compatibility (in real world terms) of the two people involved. I do not understand how this works yet I have heard countless parents say to their children,”you may not like him/her now, but the horoscopes are a perfect match and the astrologer said if this marriage is to take place, sky is the limit”. Claiming such a hypothetical can add pressure on the prospective bride/groom to say ‘yes’ to an unreal ‘rosy future’.

If I am to weigh the two, (love vs. proposed) give me ‘love’ any day. If (or when) such a union soured down the track, at least there will be some happy memories to fondly recall,  whereas to do the same with the other will be hard.

Sometimes a proposed marriage can be too barren from the very beginning to reminisce in the form of memories.

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8 comments so far

  1. Nirmal on

    hail. excellent analysis.

  2. the_jester on

    Thank you for highlighting the difference between “arranged” and “proposed” marriages. I really didn’t think they were much different.

    I think as time goes by, Arranged marraiges get phased out as the children of the parents get more and more freedom, and are let lose from their mother’s apron strings.

    Blind Dates seem quite unrelated don’t you think? It’s just an arranged meeting. If the two partners like each other, they continue to see each other and if they eventually love aeach other, they get married. No pressure, no arrangements, except for the initial date.

  3. the_jester on

    BTW, as nirmal said, excelent analysis. Kudos.

  4. mia on

    Jester
    Hmm… Blind date is similar to a ‘proposal’ in that, you know when you meet someone it is as a possible suitor.

    I have to agree with you. There is no pressure to marry a blind date. With ‘proposals’ too, there is no pressure to marry the one proposed. If you do not like the one proposed another suitor will be found. : )
    However, in our society, there is pressure to marry ‘someone’

  5. the_jester on

    To marry “someone”. Or else be called a lonely old hag/grump.

    Thankfully, I have many years to go to even think of this stuff!

  6. mia on

    Yep, enjoy your life till then : )
    And if you don’t fall in love (find your own partner) you are allowed to say ‘no’ to all unsatisfactory ‘proposals’ until you see someone you like.

    My eldest sister went through over 20 proposals, before she said ‘yes’ to the ‘proposal’ (the man) she eventually married.

  7. broken heart on

    i know this isn’t psych clinic but, is it bad to be single (given you’re a boy, and have lots other stuff to do in life)?

    i kinda got ‘misled’ by a girl and now i kinda want to keep away from that stuff. i just don’t want to go through the experience again.

  8. mia on

    Broken heart,
    The impression I get from your post is, you are trying to pull a fast one.

    Are you?


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